It’s a valid thought to have when you’re dealing with what feels like the exact same problem for the 83rd time. There is a frustrating stage of change where you can see the pattern, but proceed to walk right into the same situation again and again. The relationship dynamic you promised you would notice and respond differently to. The boundary you were definitely going to uphold this time. The familiar, negative spiral of overthinking, people-pleasing, or being relentlessly hard on yourself. The one habit you know makes you feel worse but you keep returning to anyway.
During my time in graduate school, a mentor introduced me to Autobiography in Five Chapters by Portia Nelson. In it I saw myself, and my own struggle with change, along with nearly every client I had worked with.
AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in.
I am lost ... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place. But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
I love this piece because it exemplifies two truths that for me, and many of the clients I work with, needs repeating.
Change takes time. There is usually an uncomfortable stretch of time between recognizing a pattern and being able to respond differently to it. We notice the hole. We understand the hole. We can give a beautifully articulated explanation of why we keep falling into the hole. We manage to finally avoid the hole! And then, occasionally, we still fall in the damn hole.
Progress can be subtle. Growth is not limited to becoming the person who never repeats the old pattern. Growth also looks like: noticing the pattern sooner, stopping it faster, and doing something differently, even inconsistently. Progress often feels like we’re going in circles, and we have to look up to notice we’re circling at a different altitude.