Searching for Perfection is Undermining the Good in Your Life

When was the last time you felt happy? Go ahead and search your thoughts for the most recent moment that comes to mind.

Was it yesterday morning? Perhaps enjoying an early morning coffee and time to yourself before the chaos of the day?

Was it last weekend? A day filled with answering to nobody but yourself?

How about that trip you took a few months ago? You know, the really big one you’d been planning and looking forward to for ages. The one filled with adventure, time with someone you love, delicious food, and a little too much wine?

Maybe it was last year, when you finally bought that dream car, that new home, or got that big promotion you’d been gunning for.  

Reader, how far back in time did you have to go to recollect a moment that brought you happiness? The further back in time you had to go, the more likely it is that the way you view happiness is actually undermining your ability to feel good. This is because, the further back you had to go, the more likely it is that you’re relying on extraordinary moments to create happiness. And by definition, extraordinary moments are hard fought and don’t come around often.

What would happen if happiness didn’t only live in extraordinary moments? What if happiness is the first sip of coffee when the house is still silent. Your partner greeting you with a hug after a hard day at work. Laughing unexpectedly hard at something stupid. Warm sun on your face during a walk. Finishing something difficult. Sitting across the table from someone you love. Research on positive emotion and savoring suggests that intentionally directing our attention toward positive experiences boosts mood. Feeling better isn’t always about creating a different life. Sometimes it’s about looking differently at the life that is already happening.

There’s a funny thing many of us do with happiness: we make it conditional. We like to tell ourselves we’ll feel good when. When work settles down. When we make more money. When we take that vacation. When we finish get the promotion, buy the house, find the relationship, or make it through whatever stressful season we happen to be navigating. Unfortunately, we are remarkably good at habituating to the things we once thought would make us happy. Psychologists call this hedonic adaptation. Positive changes or exciting experiences can give us a meaningful boost in happiness, but over time, they just become the new normal. Another reason why identifying small, consistent moments of happiness tends to actually impact mood and our perceptions of our lives more than the big moments.

Try thinking of happiness as a collection of moments, rather than a state of being. Practice catching yourself being happy. Learn to notice moments of happiness. When you notice even a small moment of pleasure, connection, contentment, amusement, or peace, stay there for thirty seconds. Pay attention to what you see, hear, feel, or think. Call it out: This moment is good. I like this. This is one of those moments.

I hope the next time you ask yourself, “When was the last time I felt happy” that you don’t have to search very far.